


The Reynolds Make a Bet

by ToEditIsHuman



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Dee is very smug, Dennis is not chill, M/M, Mac is not smooth, Non-Sexual, out of date canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-06 06:53:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12206091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToEditIsHuman/pseuds/ToEditIsHuman
Summary: It's quiet in Paddy's Pub, and Dee and Dennis decide to make a bet involving Mac, a handsome stranger at the bar, and just how likely it is they'll hit it off before the end of the night. Needless to say, it gets a little out of hand.[This was written before Season 12, so it's not fully up to date!]





	The Reynolds Make a Bet

11:03 pm

On a Saturday

Philadelphia, PA

 

“Frank, you are not small enough to fit inside that TV, I’m tellin’ ya!”

“Oh yeah? I will sleep inside that goddamn thing. In fact, I bet I can live inside that TV til Monday.”

“Well, you’re a braver man than me, Frank!”

Charlie and Frank were still having their stupid argument as they left the bar, leaving it a lot quieter than it had been in hours – enough for Mac to roll his eyes now that he had to listen to Dee and Dennis’ stupid argument over at the pool table.

“No, Dee, you are _infinitesimal_ compared to my level of fame. _Thousands_ of people remember my face, I, I am immortalised on the very wall of my fraternity, I have been on TV –”

“We were both on TV, jackass, and I wasn’t crying.”

“I’m sure almost _all_ of the women I have bedded would recognise my face –”

“Bedded?”

“Whereas what are you, to the guys who’ve had you and tossed you away?”

“Whatever, Shakespeare, I have _fans_ , I’ve brought joy and laughter to the world through my comedy!”

Mac tipped his head back, groaning ostentatiously, and leaned back onto the rear of the bar until his shoulders knocked against the shelves of glasses and watered down spirits. Maybe they were just water at this point. He looked over at Dee and Dennis brandishing pool cues and almost opened his mouth to make a bet about it, but Dennis was spitting with rage and Dee was looking like she might bite him. Mac sighed. He looked up into the one lightbulb over the bar that still shone without flickering or oozing brown, and let it melt yellow into his eyes just to pass the time.

For a second his arms felt cold – he remembered to check them out in the mirror behind him, and of course he had his sleeves rolled up but was it enough? Did he have enough mass? They didn’t stand out, they didn’t look right, they were too skinny, he didn’t look like a man, maybe he should lift something right now or just roll his sleeves down – but the chatter coming in from the left made him look and he realised it was the door opening that brought in the cold, and three or four people were coming in. He smiled, because he looked cool when he smiled, and pushed up his sleeves out of habit.

Half an hour later and three or four people had become nine or ten, Dee and Dennis were comparing their Facebook friends and Mac had barely moved, still leaning on the bar and trying to see the football replays on the little TV over their heads. One player was throwing the ball in a dive, his arm reaching out in a smooth arc drawn from his torso. It was mesmerising. Maybe he should throw something right now. The player was being interviewed, and all Mac could see was the sweat in his hair as he pushed it out of his face. Mac made the same motion with his hand, turning to mirror just to check his form, but he noticed a guy at the end of the bar – and he was looking at him. He checked the hair again, not sure what the guy was looking at. Was it smooth enough? Or maybe it was the arms – shit, he’s still looking, it must be the arms. His face was hot as he pulled down his sleeves.

Someone wanted a drink so he went to serve them, a little uneasy. He didn’t want to look but he couldn’t help his wandering glance, and the guy never met his eye but he saw that look again, seemed to notice it every other time he raised his head. Between leaning on the bar and pouring drinks, Mac kept an eye on him in return. He was sort of dressed up, wearing a button-up under a nice jacket. The shirt was even ironed. However he’d found his way to Paddy’s, Mac was a little confused that he’d stuck around. The times he wasn’t looking at him, he was sipping his drink or scratching his stubble, or lifting up his glasses to see something on his phone. He wasn’t in a hurry. Mac watched the guy’s hands just holding his glass or writing a text, or touching his face. He didn’t know why. They were just kind of – well, they were a man’s hands.

“Mac, what’re you doing? Get us some beers, man.”

Dennis, out of nowhere, like he owns the place – well, he does, but he doesn’t have to be a dick about it.

“C’mon Mac Attack, beer us!”

“Yeah, all right... children of the corn. Just a sec.”

“That just, doesn’t even make sense, dude.”

“Yeah, have you seen the movie? Do you understand that reference, or?”

They were yammering and Mac was groaning and getting the beers – and the guy was looking at him again, he would’ve sworn. There were enough people between them that they didn’t have a direct eye line but Mac was sure, and it was making him sweat. What was it now?

“Hey, guys, do I look all right?” He asked the others as he slapped down a couple of beers, hiding his slight anxiety with that show of pure, alpha strength. A little beer spilled over his hands and he shook it off irritably. “Y’know, relative to my usual level.”

“Uh, relative to a delusional, average guy in his late thirties? I mean, you’re pretty much good.”

“Well, Dee, c’mon, age is irrelevant if you have the goods.”

“What, the goods, is that what you have, Dennis?”

“I mean, objectively speaking –”

Mac left them with their beers and as he turned around he just couldn’t help it; he looked along the bar. The guy was touching the back of his neck, looking at his phone. He was right under that single light and his skin was mostly shadow, his dark hair glowing, kind of fluorescent, a little damp. Maybe it was raining, maybe that’s why he hadn’t taken off his jacket. Mac was confused and annoyed and he wanted to know... something. He started moving. No words came to mind but it didn’t seem to matter. Maybe he’d ask what’s so special about that goddamn jacket.

“Uh.” Well, that was one way to start. Mac was standing over the guy without meaning to and the guy had definitely heard him open his mouth and spew out a sound, because he looked up. He was pushing the glass about on the bar. It was a small drink and he hadn’t finished it. And he was still looking up at Mac, touching his nose. Mac braced himself for a trial of sheer masculine power and summoned every ounce of his eloquence. “You – I kinda noticed you were, like, looking at me? And, y’know, I kind of run the security at this place, so... why, what’s with the looking?”

The guy was just picking up his drink, but he stopped – and smiled, with a little embarrassed sound. Like he was clearing his throat. The smile was sort of wide and it opened up his eyes over his glasses and Mac just didn’t know. He couldn’t think of a properly badass response, so he clasped his hands together under the bar. They felt sweaty.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to keep looking at you,” the guy said with a little twitch at the corner of his mouth. He met Mac’s eyes. “I just think you’re really hot.”

Mac was looking. The guy was looking, and his eyes made little creases in his face. And Mac opened his mouth and smiled without trying.

“You – wow, that’s – okay.” He stood a little easier, warm under the light but not uncomfortable. The guy took a sip of his drink like he wanted to make it last and licked his lips right after, something the just made Mac feel – well, he was glad he was enjoying the drink. “I guess you’re not a security risk, then. All right.”

“That’s good. I like this bar, I just found it tonight. I’m kind of new to Philly. I hope you don’t mind, by the way, me saying that.”

“Uh – no, no, it’s cool. It’s – what’s, what’s your name? Y’know, just in case you, uh, turn out to be like a... enemy invader.”

The guy laughed, looking at his hands and Mac laughed, not certain why.

“David. I think I heard someone call you Mac, right?”

“Yeah, yeah. Oh, those guys? Yeah, we all run the place – well, not the girl, but I’m, like, the muscle, and also the brains.”

The guy – David? – laughed again, and finally decided to finish his drink.

“I can see that. Hey, I wouldn’t mind another one of these, if you’re makin’ ‘em.”

-

What was that sound? Dennis waved a hand in front of Dee’s face, looking for that sound that had punctured his flow, his waterfall that swept away irrelevancies. It came again and it was sharp, it was disturbing. It was over at the other end of the bar and it drew his eyes, making him twitch. It was – Mac laughing?

“Dee – shh, woman – Dee, look at this.”

“What? Yeah, it’s Mac, who cares?”

“Look, though, he’s smiling at something.” Dennis turned to Dee, giving her the chance to take in his whole, newly exfoliated face. “That’s strange, right? He’s under servitude, he can’t be happy.”

“Well, I don’t know, he’s made a friend. See, him and that guy, they’re chatting, he’s suckering him in so he’ll buy more drinks.”

“No, see, Mac doesn’t have that level of nuance. Look at his face for a second. He’s laughing, he’s enjoying himself, but his eyes are wide, he’s touching his hair – shit, he’s going for the sleeves, he does that when he’s nervous. He’s not engaged in simple off the cuff banter here, this is something else. This is unlike him. Oh,” he said with a little gasp, for the drama. Dee stared. She was never going to appreciate drama. “Dee – that man he’s talking to is not just an average customer.”

“What the hell are you talking about? He’s just some random, attractive guy, they come here sometimes.”

“Yes, but why do random attractive men come by themselves to a bar, Dee?”

“They wanna dick somebody –”

“They wanna dick somebody, yes, don’t talk over me. Well, Exhibit A. This fine young gentleman wants some action. And he just so happens to have our friend Mac hanging off his every word with his tongue falling out. That leads me to only one conclusion.”

“It’s pretty obvious, Sherlock, you don’t have to bust out your magnifying glass.”

“Goddammit Sweet Dee, you are just – you are a ruiner, all right? Will you just let me have my conclusion?”

“Jesus, yes, have it already.”

“Okay. Not that I need your approval but I appreciate that you admit when you’re wrong. The evidence leads me to conclude that this...” Dennis looked into Dee’s spaced out eyes, deep enough that he noticed a little shine on his skin and he would really have to redo his powder soon. “...Is flirting.”

“No shit, genius. Also Mac’s not even there anymore, he went into the back a couple minutes ago, walked right past us.”

“Yeah, well – that’s irrelevant, Dee. But don’t you see how huge this is? He’s finally accepting himself, he’s not gonna keep bringing us down with his ridiculous self-hatred, and this could certainly take him off our hands for a while.”

“Yeah, but Mac’s a loser, he’s not gonna handle himself with a guy like that. He probably doesn’t even realise he’s flirting. That guy is gonna move on before the end of the night.”

Dee put out her hand like she was crossing a line through the whole thing, but Dennis watched her drain her beer and tapped the bar with his smooth, delicate fingernails. He raised a cultivated eyebrow.

“All right. Let’s make it a bet.”

“For what?”

“How about two weeks’ bar work?”

“Including Charlie work?”

“No, obviously, we’re not animals. Two weeks behind the bar. I bet that not only will Mac keep this guy interested, he will seal the deal with at least a kiss, _tonight_.”

“Oh, you are on ‘cause that is never gonna happen. But I think we should be able to interfere a little, y’know, just to smooth things along?”

“Of course we’re going to interfere, that’s the whole fun of the bet. But don’t go trying to seduce the guy yourself, we don’t need that ugliness. Shit, Mac’s coming back, be cool! You don’t know how to be cool. Hey, man, getting back to work, are ya?”

“Uh – well yeah, I have to, ‘cause I lost our bet.”

“Yeah, cool, that’s – hey, Mac, we noticed you were having a good time over there, making new friends. Why don’t you introduce us?”

Mac stopped, twisting a little, anxious to appear casual. He made a shape with his face that he probably thought was a nonchalant smile.

“Yeah... sure dude, yeah. Uh, hey,” Mac slid sideways into the sphere of David, slipping a little on spilled beer and bar slime in a way that he was pretty sure no one noticed. Dee and Dennis noticed. David smiled. “Oh yeah, I found it.” Mac dug through the pocket crust and proudly pulled out a signed, smeared baseball. “I’ve been getting this signed with my dad since I was a kid. So far I’ve got, uh... three signatures, see? I mean, I don’t always get to go to the games, he’s not always –”

“Mac!” Dennis smiled, really opening his eyes wide because people engage with the eyes. Mac looked hesitantly at the beak-face twins grinning at him over the bar, feeling like whatever had them looking at him like that wasn’t going to be good for him.

“Oh, yeah, these are my friends. We run Paddy’s together. And there’s their creepy dad Frank and Charlie, the guy who cleans the sewer drain, but they’re off doing some weird shit.”

“Cool, nice to meet you guys. It’s a great bar, y’know, it has a lot of personality.”

“Thanks, man, we try,” Dennis said with a casual (carefully composed) laugh.

“Yeah, we’ve really been trying to cultivate an atmosphere of casual friendliness where our customers can just do their own thing,” Dee jumped in, subtly and gracefully replacing Dennis as the centre of the stranger’s attention by pushing his arms off the bar with her elbow.

“But, we care a lot about connecting with our customers – I mean, really the Paddy’s motto is that you can never go too far for the customer.”

“Catchy motto, Dennis. But, um – what’s your name, again?”

“David. What’s your –”

“David, sure, but there are limits to that philosophy, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Well, I guess it depends. What do you think, Mac?”

The Mac in question was surprised to remember he was actually in the room with them all and not watching them in some kind of arena, but David was looking at him, and his face was – like, not doing the thing that made him feel shame and want to look down like Dennis did, but, the opposite? Was there a word for that?

“Yeah, I guess that’s pretty much our motto. But, y’know, most of our customers are pretty independent, and we don’t ask too many questions. Like this one time Frank took over the whole basement with this crazy gang of –”

“Hey, Mac! How about a couple more beers? Running pretty dry here,” Dennis interjected, tipping his bottle upside down, and there was actually a little left that spilled on the bar but it didn’t touch Dennis’ well pressed shirt cuffs so really that was irrelevant.

“Yeah, sure dude.” Mac went to reach into the cooler under the bar but Dennis laughed so obviously that was somehow wrong.

“No no no, actually, we were in the mood for some of that craft IPA we have left over, y’know, in the basement?”

“Seriously dude? I slaved all day bringing up cases of this stuff for you guys, by myself by the way.”

“Uh, Mac, do we have to remind you of the terms of the work bet? That doesn’t sound like unflinching loyalty, now does it?”

Mac sighed at the ceiling.

“No, sir.” He headed off to the basement and Dennis gave Dee a narrow-eyed smile, just to get her nice and ready for defeat.

“So, what was that about a bet?” David asked, picking up his glass and coming to sit by Dennis, who turned his back on Dee cheerfully.

“Well, you see David,” Dennis began with carefree indulgence, “Mac has to do all the work behind the bar for the rest of the week ‘cause he bet us that he could quote the whole of Predator word for word, and he got pretty close, but I think near the end when he was doing the Arnie voice he forgot what movie it was and switched over to Terminator, which of course is a strict violation of the terms of the bet.”

“Seriously? You guys are hilarious. I mean, they are both some of the greatest movies ever made, so it’s understandable. I didn’t catch your guys’ names, by the way.”

“Oh, yeah, my name’s Dee,” she said, almost climbing on the bar to get past Dennis. “It’s a shame you had to come by tonight ‘cause usually the service is much better. Mac’s not really the brains of the operation, y’know what I mean?”

“No, are you kidding? He’s been awesome.” He looked away for a second, biting his bottom lip in a way that, to Dee, looked like a dangerous sign. “I hope it’s not weird of me to ask, but... is he interested in men, by any chance?”

Dee shrugged ludicrously while Dennis smiled excessively wide.

“Oh, I assure you, David – my name’s Dennis by the way, nice to meet you – Mac is a _man’s man_ , if you know what I mean.”

“He’s gay?”

“Yeah, well, that is what I mean, yes.”

“’Cause I wasn’t sure what kind of vibe I was getting, but, man...” He put his hand on his chin and smiled sort of wistfully in a way that, to Dennis, looked very promising. “He is _hot_. And he’s so funny, too, like... oh, but has he got a boyfriend? I mean, a guy like that, surely...”

“Oh, uh, Mac is sort of the... repressed type,” Dee said dismissively, her whole torso horizontal on the bar just to make sure David didn’t accidentally pay attention to Dennis. “I mean, crazy religious, major daddy issues. You don’t need to get in with that mess.”

“Now, Dee, Mac is our friend,” Dennis said, calmly looking Dee in the face and very smoothly pushing her back onto her seat as he did so. “And yes, while he is sadly burdened by a little self-doubt, don’t you think it would be good for him to meet a nice guy, get a more healthy perspective on things? Don’t you think that would make him happier, Dee, our good friend Mac?”

“I mean, I’ve been there, man, with the whole self-hatred thing. I definitely get it. And I’m still mostly Jewish, so I’m cool with religion. But, I don’t want to make him uncomfortable if he’s not totally out yet...”

“No, David,” Dennis stopped him with his most precisely charmed laugh yet. “Mac’s a simple guy of few words, he’s not one to make announcements or declarations. But trust me, I live with the guy. I’ve seen how he watches Predator.” He raised that eyebrow again, and he was pretty sure he didn’t need to say anything else.

“Okay, well... I guess I’ll just see how it goes. Sorry for the interrogation, guys, it’s just nice to meet someone that just makes you feel... y’know?”

Dee and Dennis nodded slowly, both of their faces contorting a little as they tried imagine what the hell that did feel like, and how it could be applied to Mac.

“All – all right guys,” Mac panted sweatily, flinging himself over to the bar with a huge keg in his arms. “I had to dig this out from under a whole bunch of Charlie’s sewer boxes, and they were really heavy ‘cause I think it was mostly coins and other metals, but there should be some left.”

“Oh, thanks buddy, but we’re actually cool with the stuff we’ve got up here.”

“Goddammit, really? Y’know there was no humiliation clause in this bet, Dennis, I might have to call a bet council.”

“Okay, all right, no need to get… fine, this stuff is fine. Thank you, Mac.” Dennis looked cautiously at David who right then was not interested in him. Damn, he wasted that show of gratitude. “Hey, uh, in fact, for good behaviour, why don’t we let off for the rest of the night?”

“Uh, hold that thought, Mac – Dennis, can I talk to you for just a sec?” Dee said casually, already scurrying away holding onto Dennis’ arm.

“Jesus, Dee, those fingers can do serious damage!”

“Sabotage! You’re trying to revoke the terms of a previous bet to interfere with the current bet!”

“C’mon, Dee, this guy is actually interested in Mac, when the hell could this happen again? At this point shouldn’t we just forget the bet and do what’s best for him?”

“Dennis, your jedi mind tricks are not gonna work here, not when we both learned them from the same manipulative piece of shit parents.”

“Goddammit, you are a sly eel. But how the hell am I supposed to win this if he’s stuck working until two in the morning? This guy’s not gonna hang around that long, I don’t care how hot he seems to think Mac is.”

“Well that’s your problem, boner.” Dee slid her tongue between her teeth as she serenely shoved Dennis out of the way with her shoulder, ending up sitting on David’s left as he sipped his drink slowly and Mac tried to figure out what to do with his hands as he laughed. “Hey, Mac, how late are you working tonight? What is it, like two? Damn, that’s rough. I guess you won’t be able to hang around chatting all that time.”

“Oh, if you’ve gotta work, I don’t wanna distract you – y’know, bets are important business.”

“Ha, hey, wait a second there!” Dennis came running up to slap a hand on David’s shoulder. “I mean, y’know what distracts a good worker? A customer that’s not satisfied. Now, you don’t need to go anywhere, David, just relax and Mac will take care of you.”

“Actually I was just gonna use the bathroom.”

“Oh. Well, all right, you can go there!” Dennis let him go, laughing and laughing, laughter was so engaging. David smiled politely at him and then, walking backwards, he made a face to Mac, a good-humoured sort of “Your friends are crazy!” kind of face. Mac found himself looking at him until he reached the bathroom door, which he stared at even after he’d gone through it. Like he didn’t really understand where he’d gone.

Dee and Dennis carefully appraised Mac, dead to the world. They looked at each other. They raised a twin eyebrow.

“I’m invoking the new rule clause,” Dennis muttered in a low tone that he calculated Mac wouldn’t notice in his state of dazed idiocy.

“Penalty?”

“Two days off your time, two days on mine?”

“Make it three on yours.”

“But you don’t want any more off yours? That’s just bad strategy, Dee, and at this point the game is all strategy.”

“What’s the rule, asshole?”

“From now on, interference is only with Mac. David’s too independent, he’s too… nice. Plus he’d probably bang Mac right now if he let him. We need to work on _him_.” He tilted his head at the drooling puppy behind the bar.

“All right. But I invoke the counter-clause ‘cause I wanna add shit to that rule. We can only interfere separately, one at a time. And after midnight –” they turned as one to the crooked clock taped to the brick wall. Twenty minutes. “We let fate run its course.”

“What, why?”

“’Cause I don’t wanna sit here for two hours listening to Mac talk about which is his favourite bicep.”

“Are you guys talking about me?”

“Yeah, get us some beers already. Dennis, agreed?”

“Fine, fine! You know that’ll incur another penalty.”

“How about one whole day of personal servitude?”

“Damn, Dee, you are a cocky bitch. This is gonna come back to bite you in your stupid, ill-proportioned face, though, when – oh, hey David! Mac’s just been pouring us a glass of this lovely ale, wanna give it a go?”

“Sure, I’ll have a taste.”

“Great!” Dennis lifted his glass to clink David’s, then, under the pretence of taking a sip of the warm, watery stuff, turned and hissed at Dee: “Who’s first?”

She raised her glass too, but stuck out two fingers for Dennis to see. That could only mean one thing.

“One, two, three!” Dennis had rock, Dee had paper, and both spilled quite a lot of beer over themselves. “Ha ha, suck it nerd. I get five minutes.”

Dennis rolled his eyes and went in a sulk to the pool table to rack the balls, leaving his undrunk but vastly spilled beer on the bar. For now, Dee sat back a little to watch the show.

“Yeah, I used to visit Philly every now and then, but I only moved for good about a month ago. I used to come to see the football with friends, and all the history and stuff. I think I first came here as a kind of pilgrimage, y’know – Philadelphia – ‘cause it’s one of my favourite movies.”

“Oh, what is?”

“Philadelphia.” Mac saw David’s face and guessed he should laugh as well, even though he was pretty sure that was a city, not a movie. Anyway, it didn’t matter. David didn’t seem to mind. “So you grew up here?”

“Yeah. Go Birds. It’s great, ‘cause you can still do all the cool stuff you did as a kid, like… go to the trainyard and throw rocks at trains.”

“Oh yeah? Sounds like fun.”

“It is, totally age-appropriate fun,” Dee added, having drunk half her weird old beer and surreptitiously tipped the rest over the bar into the sink. David had put his down after a couple of sips. “But you do a lot of other cool stuff now, right Mac? Now that you’re an adult, and everything?”

“Uh – yeah, obviously.” Mac was rolling around the signed baseball, pretty sure he’d already covered that under the Cool Things heading. So there as that, and, uh – throwing rocks at trains?

“Well, it’s pretty cool that you can go see games anytime. Plus you own a bar, I mean, what’s cooler than that?”

“Yeah, Dee! Oh, and there’s Project Badass. That’s when I do badass stuff, and film it, and it becomes even more badass through the magic of film.”

“That’s cool – I’ve always wanted to make a movie.”

“Oh, we did that too. Yeah, there was kind of a controversy about what is and is not tasteful when you’re dealing with nudity, and sexual scenes, or black–”

“Hey, been five minutes yet?” Dennis shouted, sauntering very quickly to the bar still chalking a pool cue.

“Five minutes since what, dude?” Mac asked uncertainly, a little dizzy from turning his head so much and from carrying that keg up the stairs. Nah, more likely just the basement gases. Or Charlie’s paint can display. Still, maybe he should lift the keg a few more times – like, right now, just to be sure.

“Uh…” Dennis held up the pool cue helpfully. Dee was grinding her teeth like she was in a biting mood again, and Dennis could hardly be blamed for his lack of improvisational smoothness with that jaw taking up most of his vision. He casually made his hand wet with sweat from his forehead. “Since… my last codeine.” They looked at him. Dee seemed to be expanding her eyeballs. Dennis tasted his teeth and put most of his energy into examining the pool cue. “Y’know, they say you’re supposed to have… a break… between each one.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to wait like, five hours, dude. That’s pretty dangerous.”

“Nah. I have a… serious injury.” Dennis sweated smilingly. This was fine, honestly, this was fine. “I’ll just, go, over there… wait it out.”

He turned and wandered away about three feet, smiling. Dee just didn’t have the energy to figure that madness out.

“Yeah, so, you were telling David about your movie, right Mac? What was that again?”

“Oh, the long awaited Lethal Weapon sequel. It’s really been a neglected piece of art in recent years, and we like to think that we understand the needs of the viewing public better than those movie studio bozos.”

“Wow, you made a Lethal Weapon movie? I seriously grew up on them, that’s so cool.”

“Uh huh, uh huh,” Dee was saying, very unobtrusively muscling her way in front of David and breaking up the eye-jerking session between the two guys. “And, what character did you play, Mac?”

“Well, me and Dennis agreed that we both brought something to _both_ the main roles of Murtaugh and Riggs, so we did a little of both. Dennis thought his sensitive, emotional bullshit would be better for Murtaugh after he just lost his wife, but obviously it takes an actual badass to replicate the physical power, but also grace, of Danny Glover’s performance.”

“And what was it that was different about your performances, again?”

“Duh, Dee, I just said. Also the whole blackface thing.”

There was a painful crack, and all three looked round to see Dennis, very red, having just snapped the pool cue in half with his hands. He was breathing hard and – smiling – calmly.

“Wait, did you say you guys did blackface?” David asked, looking up at Mac and leaning back a little from the bar. Dee met Dennis’ eye, disgustingly smug. “That’s… pretty messed up.”

“No! No-ho-ho, David, that was, uh…” Dennis was walking forwards, not really noticing the little bit of blood dripping out of his hand as he held up the pool cue halves. He swallowed audibly. “I, I did the blackface, that was… really central to my interpretation of the role at the time.”

Mac put his hands up on his waist, feeling a little in need of a chair. David was looking at him again. Shit. His eyes were soft and _what the fuck did that mean?_

“Well, I can’t say I agree with that interpretation, but… hey, you were younger, right? We all do stupid things.” David motioned to Dennis generously and Dennis had some kind of spasm that was mostly nodding, and a little breathing. For some reason Dee put her face into one of her giant hands.

“Anyway… man, what a great five minutes, huh?” Dennis said breezily, throwing the pieces of pool cue over his shoulder and coming to lean on the bar. “Dee, wanna go pick those up?”

She groaned hoarsely and got up, passing Dennis closely so she could hiss: “Nice try, but there is nothing you can do in five minutes that I cannot destroy.” In response he laughed in a high voice and left a little blood on the bar groping for the beer that Dee hadn’t already emptied, and very casually drained it in a couple of seconds.

“Hey, how about another one, huh, Mac? Oh, but first – it’s kinda cold in here, could you check on the thermostat? Knock it up a couple degrees? I’m very sensitive to temperatures,” he told David as Mac sighed his way back down to the basement. “My skin only keeps its natural baby softness in warm environments. Sorry if it ends up a little hot, but you can always, y’know… take your jacket off,” he finished, letting his eyelids fall down just a little. “That’s what any sane person would do when it gets a little hot, right?” David blinked a couple of times and nodded politely, suddenly more interested in looking around to see where Mac went.

“Oh, he won’t be long. He knows his way around.” Dennis smiled, still clutching the empty beer glass in his slightly shaking hand. “So, whereabouts are you living in Philly? Nearby, or…”

David looked like he was trying to smile, but, sort of painfully. It was the kind of look Dennis usually got from women before he slept with them, so – good sign, probably. He didn’t answer, but it was a good sign.

“Okay dude,” Mac called as he reached the bar again, wiping his face. “I don’t know if the thermostat is in American or the weird Commie one or what so I just kicked it up like ten degrees. Man, I’m actually pretty thirsty. Oh, your beer.” He filled it up and didn’t really think much about the bloody handprint, a little too concerned with seeing straight now that he was sweating, and hot, and kind of really feeling that workout from all those stairs. “Hey uh, Dennis, would it be all right if I took a break, y’know, soon?”

Dennis was drinking, but at this, he stopped. He actually put down the glass as his eyebrows and the rest of his face just tensed. Went hard. His eyes – Dennis could feel his own eyes become glass, like the eyes of a predator. Yes. He wouldn’t let this one run far.

“Why no, Mac. No, that just won’t do. Why ever would you ask such a thing? Why would you pervert the bonds of our sacred agreement with that question?” The last couple of words were really just air, and Mac really didn’t care what he was saying but when Dennis hissed instead of talking it was usually just a little before he started talking about himself in the third person, and sometimes he would do that thing where he would pull at his hair and chew it a little. Mac didn’t want to see the hair thing right now but really it was a small price to pay, so he took a deep breath and tried not to look away from The Glare.

“Well, just, I didn’t actually eat anything in like, thirteen hours, and the beer’s taken the edge off but honestly I’m just kinda tired?”

Dennis flinched. He closed his eyes and still they twitched.

“You’re tired?

“Yeah – I’m not complaining, it’s just I’ve been up here like all day, y’know, lifting stuff and getting you guys beer, and –”

“You mean like how you lift stuff all the time, because you’re so strong?”

“Uh – obviously. But when you guys are making me do it it’s totally different, ‘cause my body doesn’t _want_ to do it.”

“Are you questioning the integrity of the rules of our bet, Mac? Now, I know you wouldn’t do that, because that would be a serious violation. And there will be consequences.”

“No, dude, it’s just I’m really getting tired doing all this work, and –”

“ _The anointed guardian of Patrick’s Pub does not tire, you fat cretin!_ ”

“All right! Jesus Christ, dude. Y’know what, I’ll take another penalty day, or whatever, I just gotta sit down or I’m gonna pass out. Seriously, I have a very sensitive metabolism.”

“Yeah? Is that why you haven’t eaten in thirteen hours when the bar’s only been open since five?”

“Whatever dude, I’m taking a break. I’ll start again after midnight.”

“Boo, bitch!” Dee heckled at her brother, from over by the TV. Dennis turned silently to show her how greatly he disapproved of her interruption, and she happily gave him the finger.

“Okay, okay Mac,” Dennis said quickly as Mac took the opportunity to escape the bar while he wasn’t looking, “just, let’s not be hasty. How about… you hang on till midnight, and then you can take a break?”

“How long a break?”

“I don’t… half an hour?”

Mac hesitated, standing in the gap where the bar opened up, and tried hard to figure Dennis out. He was red and weirdly damp, and his eyes were just _so_ open. They looked hungry. Then Mac saw Dee just standing there and staring as well and with both of them doing it, it was worrying. He looked down at his shirt in case he’d spilled something. Was it really his arms? He should really just be lifting something at all times just in case.

“Is there something going on with you guys, or…?” Mac asked timidly, not liking Dennis’ eyes. It was hot and he felt a little bit trapped between their still, creepy stares. “Okay, this is pretty children of the corn. Whatever, I gotta sit down now.”

“Damn, it is warm in here,” said another voice – oh yeah, David, he was still here – and he was standing up and pulling off his jacket. Mac was still mostly looking at Dennis, but suddenly Dennis was smiling and drinking and not staring at all, and Mac had no idea but he guessed he was off the hook pretty much so he was just about to slip away from the bar when he glanced at David as he sat down and – he stopped – he really couldn’t think why he was so ready to move at all. David was right there. No jacket. Just a shirt, sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and everything underneath just… kind of right there with it. It was a tight shirt and for some reason that was pretty interesting.

“Y’know, I’ll… I’ll make it till midnight,” he said eventually, checking his own sleeves mindlessly. Dennis was probably saying something but by chance he met David’s eye, and David smiled shyly, and damn it really was hot.

“Hey, Dennis,” Dee muttered in his ear, making Dennis jerk his glass right into his teeth as he jumped.

“Jesus, where’d you come from? And also away with you, it’s not five minutes yet.”

“Yeah, but I saw what you just did and it was a dirty cheat, and also you get a double penalty for breaking your own rule.”

“Goddammit Dee, you lanky faced… I did not break any rules. I used my talent for manipulation to get Mac to turn up the heat, thus rendering him unable to resist when the guy takes his jacket off. I didn’t make _him_ do anything directly. It’s a very subtle game, you wouldn’t understand.”

“Uh huh, well played, but also, you oh-so subtly told him to take his jacket off.”

“…Well, but… how, would you even know that?”

“I heard you across the room, there’s like two other people in here.”

“…Right. But I mean, he would’ve done it anyway in this heat.”

“Well of course he would’ve, I mean I’m sweating like a hog right now, but you had to just interfere right in his ear anyway and that, my dear brother, is a cheat.”

Mac was still standing and sharing some kind of smile with himself when David finished his drink – not the beer, which Dennis had found and finished off, but the first one Mac had got him – and he was forced to follow the urge to refill it immediately.

“Oh, no more for tonight, thanks,” David waved, wiping some mist off his glasses.

“You – sure?”

“Yeah, I don’t really drink a lot.”

Mac looked into the empty drink, feeling a little shrunk. Dennis and Dee were stilling buzzing somewhere off to the side and David was tapping at his phone, and of course he was disappointed, because – he didn’t really know. He just had the feeling, that feeling of being a child and wishing real hard for something and then mostly being left alone because he wasn’t a cool kid yet. There was nothing to do so he looked at the mirror for a second, looking at himself and looking for anything like what cool kids looked like. Hair – tattoos – shirt sleeves – yeah, pretty cool. But it didn’t really fit and he couldn’t figure it out. He just looked… old.

“I wouldn’t mind a coke or something, though,” David said in the mirror. He was leaning on the bar, elbows up on the wood. Mac turned around and he was still there. That seemed big; important. He got him a can of Wolf Cola and stood back a little as David opened it – sometimes those things had a crazy splash radius – and briefly registered Dennis and Dee arm wrestling. Probably settling some dumb bet.

“Thanks – man, that’s an interesting taste.”

“No problem. Oh, if you’re thinking you wanna go to any –”

“Listen –”

“– Games sometime, I know a guy, well Frank does, I can get tickets – oh – what’s up?”

“Um… just… I wanted to say I’m happy I decided to check this place out. And, uh – well, I’ve gotta call someone right now, so, I guess I’ll go sit in that booth over there. Just while I’m on the phone. And, y’know, when you go on break, I’ll probably still be here. So if you wanna come join me…”

Mac felt like there should be an end to that sentence but there wasn’t, just David sort of holding his breath. And smiling a little. But this time it was one of those ones that meant something else, and maybe he should know what.

“What?” He said at last because it was the only word on his mind. David seemed to laugh even if it was quiet and his eyes couldn’t make it up to Mac’s.

“If you wanna come over, I’d like that. If not, that’s fine. But I’ll be sitting over there. If you wanna talk more, or… yeah. Alone.”

He had gotten up with his drink before Mac could reply, and he gave him another smile, another enigma, as he went. Mac watched him sit in the booth closest to the door and put his phone to his ear. He didn’t hear what he was saying (Dee and Dennis had got an old dictionary and were yelling a lot about whatever it said the definition of hypocrite was) and he could only see his hair, dark and a little messed up in the back. That was something to look at. Why was he looking? He checked the clock – only a few minutes to midnight – and something sank inside him, thinking about those few minutes. Why? And why did David even ask if he wanted to go and sit with him? A cool guy like that – who wouldn’t?

There wasn’t much to do at the bar – he served some guy who said ‘Finally!’ for some reason – so Mac got himself a beer (not from the keg), needing to combat the dizziness. He kept a nervous eye on Dee and Dennis while he drank it but they were just sweating a lot and staring, silently, at each other’s eyes. Dennis was gripping the bar. Mac just turned away. There was cheering from the TV; the replays were almost over. The clock – one minute, holy shit. He finished the beer watching football fans scream, and feeling his heart pump like he’d run a quarter mile he looked over at the booth at the front of the bar. Fuck it, he didn’t care about the last thirty seconds. He was hot and numb and smiling as he walked that long stretch and put his hand on the seatback behind David’s head, and his thumb brushed his hair for one warm moment.

-

“Dennis – Dennis, Dennis Dennis Dennis!” Some awful creature was squawking in his ear and it had its talons in his neck and – oh yeah, probably Dee. He pulled his head away from the sticky bar wood and tried to see but it was just really hot, like, in his eyes?

“Woman? Yes, what.”

“Jesus Christ, you lazy piece of shit, look.” He head was being pointed and if he looked with his good eye, the one that wasn’t gummed up with bar residue, he just about saw the man, but not the gross short one or the other grosser shorter one. Oh yeah, probably Mac – what was it about Mac?

“Uh – why, what’s the – wait, time, what time?”

“Are you actually on codeine? I don’t care, look, it’s ten minutes past midnight. Goddammit Dennis, he’s already over there and I didn’t even get to interfere again. This is your fault for making us do that stupid personality test, and you bet your ass I’m calling an emergency bet council on this shit.”

“Yeah, well, thanks to me this would have happened anyway, Dee.” He blinked but he couldn’t seem to get both eyes at once. “The fates are in hands – in fate’s hands now.”

“Whatever, they’re just sitting and talking. You can’t stop Mac from talking all he wants about the merits of blackface anymore, so this is going nowhere.”

“No, no worry Dee. This gay…” He lifted his hand and pointed at nothing with all his fingers. “Is getting real.”

Dee was looking pretty weird but that was normal for her.

“Did you actually drink that gross beer?”

“Uh?”

“The weird old beer that you made Mac go get? It’s been sitting next to the furnace for a couple years, that stuff is not good.”

“Yeah, but – you drank.”

“Yeah and I went and had to throw up right after, it tastes like mould.”

Dennis nodded, his ears ringing a little. He felt very hot in the tips of his fingers.

“Maybe I’ll throw up.”

Dee groaned and went behind the bar to get something decent to drink for once. Dennis wasn’t moving yet but he was pretty sure he was going to, any second, once the ringing stopped. Pretty sure.

-

They’d been there about ten minutes, talking a little, sometimes just sitting in the small silences and feeling glad it was a little cooler at this end of the bar. Mac was leaning on the wall (David had stood up to let him in the booth, he was cool like that), trying to think. He wanted to talk and he couldn’t think of anything he wanted to say. They’d settled who was the greatest Eighties action star, the greatest Eighties loose cannon cop, the coolest guy ever to come out of Philly (obviously Will Smith). But Mac kept thinking – trying to get his shoulders comfortable on the brick wall and looking at David, sitting to his right, and making comfort look easy – wasn’t there more to talk about? That stuff seemed pretty important, but it didn’t seem like enough. He just felt some urge to move himself, to bring his body forwards a little, to look more closely at David and look at his eyes, and ask –

“Um…”

David met his eyes again, the silent barrier breaking between them and sending up a small spark of nervous energy. They laughed together for a moment and Mac, glancing around the bar, remembered that he worked there, and maybe work was a good topic of conversation.

“I… what do you do? Y’know, for a job job?”

“Depends. Right now I work at a music store, but I do construction seasonally, usually in the summer. I’d probably do it all the time but I can’t work outside in cold weather. Got some nerve damage in my hands, from – well, working out in the cold.” He held up his hands to make the point, not that Mac could see any problem with them. They just looked… strong.

“Can you still feel stuff?” He asked. It all seemed so quiet and he shifted a little closer to David to make up for it.

“Yeah, I can feel stuff mostly fine. Just… lost some dexterity, and it gets worse in the cold.” David seemed to be testing out the feeling in his fingertips, running them over the cracked wooden table top. Mac felt compelled to do the same, and they had another little spark of laughter. “You always worked in a bar?”

“I worked at a gas station in high school. And, y’know, after graduation. But then I bought this place with the other guys, Dennis and Charlie, like, right after Dennis finished college.”

“Wow, that’s pretty amazing you guys were self-employed so young. Living the dream, right?”

Mac couldn’t really answer with David looking at him like that. It felt too good just to look at him, without saying anything. He heard him say ‘living the dream’ when he looked at him, over and over in his voice. And he felt warm – they were close, legs-just-touching close, and David’s breath made the skin on his neck prickle. Maybe it was sweat as well, there was plenty of that.

“You could probably meet Charlie if he comes back tonight.”

“That’d be cool. You have pretty… interesting friends.” He smiled and cocked his head back slightly, motioning to the bar. Mac noticed Dennis bending over the sink while Dee rubbed ice on her face before throwing it back in the cooler.

“Yeah, they’re pretty weird,” Mac said affectionately. “But y’know, I think they were having some kinda bet or something before. It’s pretty subtle if you don’t know all the rules, so you might not have noticed.”

David laughed, soft and low. His eyes seemed bigger, with a little yellow picking its way through the hazel, but Mac was looking at them through his glasses and they were a bit fogged from the heat. Maybe David noticed the same thing with Mac looking because he took them off, slowly blinking to adjust to his new vision. His eyes were definitely bigger, closer.

“Is this pretty much a normal evening for you guys?”

“Yeah, pretty much. About once a week something crazy goes down or we make up some kind of awesome scheme, but most days we’re just hanging out at the bar.”

“So there’s nothing crazy going down tonight?”

“No, not… really.”

His words caught because David’s knee stirred against his thigh and he hadn’t really noticed it was there. Their eyes met again in that hitch of breath. Mac realised he was leaning a little, not quite upright. Maybe the beer and no food and the heat – it was so much hotter, and he felt something touch his nose, like a hair or a falling eyelash, but he couldn’t put a hand to his face because David was there and he had closed his eyes but he could feel him. He was quite weak and couldn’t stop his body moving that little bit forward again, just a kind of sway, and something touched his nose again and he realised it was David’s nose and lower, his mouth, his lips, touched David’s lips in the same way. There was a long moment when it was just that – a touch, then a break without a breath – until one of them moved again into the path of the other and pressed, and brought them back together.

Mac didn’t think. He just felt, and moved in tiny measures. David turned his head a little to the right and he responded to the left. It was like swimming, somehow. He just floated. Then – their lips broke apart for a fraction of a second because David touched Mac’s hand, and his body needed to find breath, but they came together again instinctively. David’s hand was heavy, warm. Mac felt it moving him, moving his hand, and in a moment he felt soft fabric on his palm, and muscle underneath. David’s thigh. The muscle shifted slightly at his touch but Mac couldn’t, didn’t dare, until David’s hand left his and suddenly it was against his neck, brushing his cheek. In his hair – David’s hand slipped around the curve of Mac’s jaw and parted his hair with his hot fingers and Mac shivered, closing his hand tight on David’s leg.

-

It was a quiet, humming moment, and even Dennis, sweating and letting tap water fall off his tongue into the sink, was suddenly struck by the silence. He raised his head and he couldn’t really see through the melting but the man-smudges over in the corner seemed very close. He focused his superior predator vision and saw a sort of hand shape in one guy’s hair, and he retched, ‘cause that beer was foaming in his stomach – then immediately he started to laugh, hysterically, without making a sound.

“Dee!” He hissed, stumbling backwards, trying to see his sister over at the pool table. “Dee!”

“What?” She said from his other side, making him jump enough to lurch away from her, grimacing in discomfort. “I was just in the basement fixing the goddamn thermostat, what?”

“Just – don’t sneak up on me, it’s dangerous – but also,” he remembered the joy of a few moments ago and grinned widely, taking Dee by the shoulders and pushing her down a little below the bar so they could spy on the corner inconspicuously. He pointed, and gave her a face full of his maniacal glee. “I win!”

“What, what’s the…? Oh, goddammit!” Dee whined. She craned her neck a little to make sure it was the right two guys making out in the corner, and then a little more, just to get a better look. She couldn’t see Mac’s face but those were his stupid tattoo arms, and that was definitely David’s hand messing up his hair, slowly moving down to his neck as they held a long, still kiss – her mouth fell open slightly as she looked. It was just all so… nice.

“I win,” Dennis whispered again, staring at the two men with a dazed smile. Dee snapped out of it and looked at her brother; sweating, hands shaking, a little blood on his face, his eyes wide and not really focusing. He might have been laughing under his breath, but it might just have been his breathing, sort of like a panting dog. She raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, you sure won,” she said, watching Mac very awkwardly move his hand a little further up David’s leg. “Goddammit, how the shit did Mac get this guy? He did nothing, he just showed him a stupid baseball.”

“Well come on, Dee, I skilfully composed the whole scenario so this would happen. And let’s face it, this guy doesn’t seem like the brightest in the bunch. But even so... Mac didn’t have an angle, he didn’t have a plan, and the guy was into him from the start. He didn’t demonstrate any value in the least. He just talked to the guy! I mean, in what world is that enough to get someone to make out with you?”

“It’s just ridiculous. What, a guy’s a little funny, and all of a sudden people like him?”

They shared a hollow sort of laugh as they watched the oblivious pair. Dee swallowed, her face in the shape of a smile.

“You think – uh, it could be that simple though?” She said hesitantly. “Y’know, maybe… David just likes him… ‘cause of who he is?”

Dennis kept smiling vacantly and didn’t react. Maybe he didn’t hear; maybe he chose not to. But eventually he blinked and looked mostly at Dee without slipping his smile, and always, always sweating.

“Is Mac… hot?” He asked, a little desperate. Dee stared at the glisten on his yellow skin and couldn’t bring herself to answer except with a painful grimace and another question.

“Should we make him go back to work?”

“Of course. Let’s just give him a few minutes to calm down. But seriously, Dee… I gotta know if he’s hot.”

-

Had it been minutes? Mac didn’t know. He hadn’t been thinking that much and he wasn’t that good at telling time anyway. But he opened his eyes at some point and realised it had stopped. And he didn’t want it to stop. He could feel his heart, his stomach, whatever else was in there, just twisting and floating in some kind of desperate race to make him live. It was overwhelming, dizzying. But he didn’t want it to stop and oh god David opened his eyes and everything lurched. Colour blurred for a second. He wanted to do something with his hands, but he realised after a second of numbness that his right hand was still touching, resting on David’s thigh. He couldn’t move it in this moment and he didn’t want to. Fuck, it was hot and the air was getting thick.

“That was a little unexpected,” David said in a low, hoarse voice. Mac heard him but he couldn’t really think about the words. He was looking between his eyes and his mouth and down his body, at his arms and his hands and his thighs and there was too much to think about. “You all right? Breathing?”

He just made a sound in reply, but it was breathing, and David laughed with his face close to Mac’s. He felt something move and – a hand on his chest. It was warm and it didn’t help him breathe.

“Um… if you have to go back to work –”

“You’re – so…” The words he had been thinking minutes ago finally came, but as soon as he moved his lips he remembered the feeling of touching David’s and he felt everything at once. He couldn’t say any more. David moved his mouth as if he understood.

“You too.”

Mac swallowed. He felt a little sick, hot, confused. But it was like he had opened his eyes and suddenly seen a new world, a world where what he saw and what he thought inside his head were the same. He didn’t want to take what had just happened and tell himself it was all an accident or a misunderstanding. He looked at David again and he felt that same swooping in his stomach, and there was no mistake.

“Listen, if you’re going back to work right now –”

“Wanna – uh – I don’t know, out, outside…” Mac tripped over a few of the words because he didn’t really know what he wanted to say but his mouth knew enough. “We could…”

“You mean like – go, somewhere? Don’t you have to work?”

Mac stole a glance over David’s shoulder. There was no one behind the bar, just a lot of empty beer bottles. Feeling unusually bold he lifted himself up a little so he could look around the place. No one. Just the TV. Maybe there were a couple more voices coming in whispers over the sound of the late night talk show guy but there were no eyes on him. Only a little more cool air.

“Whatever. I’ll take the penalty day,” he said at last, finding it so easy to smile down at David.

“Your call,” David said as he stood up, smiling too. It was the first time they had really stood eye to eye and Mac felt a little surge of _something_ , seeing that David was just a little taller than him. He had to look up slightly to meet his eyes.

“All right. Let’s go somewhere.”

Mac walked with his eyes half on David, leading him sort of helplessly to the back door where they went out, blowing cold behind them, just as the front door came in with Charlie at half a run.

“Guys guys guys, Frank was trying to crawl inside this old TV set and he got totally stuck, he’s crawling around our apartment right now like some kind of TV snail man, you gotta see this.”

“Shh, Charlie, we don’t care about the weird snail man,” Dee hissed, not looking up from the many, many pictures of Mac that Dennis was showing her on his phone. Charlie sidled over to the bar and looked down at where they were crouched, folding his arms ‘cause the best detectives always did.

“All right, well what’s this about? Are we hiding behind the bar now?”

“No, shh, Charlie! We’re not hiding, we’re spying on Mac,” Dennis said, waving him away without looking up from the album of Mac photos he was scrolling through, looking for evidence. He had albums for everyone, of course, but they had never been so useful before now.

“Yeah?” Charlie turned in a circle, seeing nothing but two halves of a pool cue shoved in the air vent. “Well, I don’t see Mac anywhere, so is this like a hide and seek situation, or?”

“What’re you – oh, goddammit, he’s gone!” Dee sprang up to her feet while Dennis wrenched himself up with a sweaty grip on one of the beer taps. He skilfully distracted from all the beer he poured on his shoes by turning on Dee before she could point it out.

“Jesus Christ, Dee, you let him get away again with your ridiculous arguments.”

“Uh, at least I’m not the one who poisoned himself to win a bet. And who cares, anyway? You already won, what does it matter if he’s hot or a lucky moron?”

“Of course you wouldn’t appreciate the subtle machinations –”

“Shut up, Dennis, you look like a sweating ham.”

Dennis made some kind of appropriately nonchalant noise and got himself a beer while Dee scraped slime off her jeans, and Charlie finished thinking about his ghoul traps in the basement and realised they’d stopped talking.

“Hey, so you guys wanna come see Frank wriggling around in this TV, or?”

“Charlie, that pretty much sounds like the worst thing we could possibly see,” Dennis answered, catching his reflection in his beer bottle and getting slightly distracted by the fact that he had sweated through his foundation.

“Well, all right, I mean it’s no hide and seek.” Charlie sat down, deciding to finish a drink that someone had left. For some reason they just got up and went about the same time he came in with the news about Frank. “We had to get him pretty greased up just to get him in there so he’ll squeeze right out. So, what’s been going on on the Paddy’s side?”

“Not much. This guy came in and started hitting on Mac.”

“All right. Why?”

“Well, that remains to be seen, Charlie, but Mac was actually into it, and we figured at least he might get off our backs with his whole self-loathing thing.”

“Yeah, so we bet on whether or not he’d seal the deal.” Dee took one of the whiskey bottles that was a little less water than the others and leaned on the bar and sipped from it casually, figuring it basically came with its own mixer anyway. Charlie raised his eyebrows – not at the bottle thing, obviously, that was pretty standard.

“Cool, so you bet on whether they were gonna fuck right here?”

“No, no, just a kiss,” Dennis said from the other end of the bar where he was getting a couple more beers. “Oh, which I totally made happen, by the way.”

“Okay, Dennis, explain how you masterfully manipulated the situation so that Mac had no choice but to make out with the guy.”

“Well, Dee, obviously – obviously I, did… I, I made it hot. And, y’know, I…” He mimed snapping the pool cue in his hands, as if that really spoke for itself. Dee and Charlie looked at him for a long, wide-eyed moment before it just seemed better to move on.

“So… where’s he at now? Are they banging, or?”

“Yeah, he’s probably banging that dude. And we’re happy for him,” Dennis added, pretty certain he was completely casual about the whole thing as he necked his third beer.

“Totally, it’s great to see him finally coming out of his shell,” Dee agreed with about ten nods.

“We’re happy, it’s… great. But, y’know… he’s not really that hot, is all I’m saying.”

“Well, I don’t know Dennis, all I’m saying is we might have to overlook our bias of knowing what a gross man-child he is –”

“He’s not hot, Dee, he’s not!” Dennis slammed his bottle on the bar, spraying most of the beer he’d just sipped over his hands. Charlie met Dee’s eyes and basically got the idea that he’d been like this most of the night.

“I don’t know man, I can see it,” he said with a shrug, at which Dee smirked and Dennis audibly choked on his beer. “I bet if you’re a guy who’s into guys, y’know, there’s a lot worse guys than Mac, probably.”

“Don’t take her side, Charlie! I could pick up way hotter guys than Mac could. I, I could get rammed by the most beautiful men alive!”

“Really? Do you actually want that, dude?”

“Yeah,” Dee added with a sidelong glance, “are you jealous ‘cause Mac might be hotter than you, or ‘cause he’s the one all the dudes wanna bang?”

“What – uh, that’s not the point, it’s –”

“’Cause that’s cool and all,” Charlie said, putting up his hands, “I’ve just never heard you get all excited about getting rammed by dudes.”

“Yeah, well, you just – y’know what? Screw you guys. I don’t need to know what you think, ‘cause I know – Dennis Reynolds is a man, a god of men! Mac’s just, just... you’ll see, I could get, any man. You’ll see!”

He muttered and shouted his way out of the bar without looking back, though he did leave a lot of sweat on the door as he opened it. Charlie looked at Dee the way he usually did when Dennis was involved.

“He’s going out to bang some dudes, isn’t he?”

“Yep. Totally going to bang some dudes.” Dee finished off the bottle and looked around the bar, which had settled back to its usual level of calm. Probably because there was no one else in it.

“So, I guess Dennis won the bet,” Charlie said matter-of-factly. Dee nodded with a groan, throwing her empty bottle into the glass pile they kept under the sink.

“Yeah. But, y’know, a couple days’ bar work is a decent price to pay to watch Dennis self-destruct.”

“All right, but I don’t know, Dee. I think once he bangs a couple dudes he’s gonna mellow out. He’s never gonna bang more dudes than Mac, anyway.”

Dee looked up from absently pulling glass out of her shoe. She locked eyes with Charlie, taking in his poor, innocent, sucker’s face. She smiled her widest, least-birdlike smile.

“Wanna bet?”


End file.
